Transparent Hope

Sometimes we find it hard to imagine why we stop enjoying the things we are passionate about. Yet, there are moments in everyone’s life that causes one to stop in order to rest and heal.

Over the past few years I have enjoyed my writing along with my love for sewing, but my days were beginning to blend into a non-stop fight to stay on top of things. Exhaustion and pain were a constant battle, yet I continued to strive to overcome the abyss of defeat that was within.

In December, one of my physicians (a specialist) finally took notice of the many complaints as well as tests that I had done over the past few years. The only other person I shared my concerns with, outside my medical support, was my husband. He always stood by me and was always available with a hug of compassion, although still not understanding. I would get so tired and be in so much pain I would cry out in anger. After years of being married, my husband knew that these fits were a result of something that was untouchable. I fought the demon within me in order to not show weakness to others, yet on the days of unbearable pain, exhaustion, mental fog, and weakness along with skin, light and noise sensitivities, there was the need to release the venom of defeat.

As I explained it to my husband and this physician: “I feel like I am dying inside with no energy left to fight”. Other physicians were at a loss, leaving me to feel as though it was no longer worth fighting to find an answer. I had actually got to the point of accepting that it was all a result of age, to which my physician shared I was too young to have these type of age related symptoms.

When my physician received the test results of my Chronic Persistent Lyme diagnosis, I had a sense of relief. Finally!! I had an answer with an explanation! Yet within 24 hours of my diagnosis I fell deeper into the abyss. It was as if the answer was the key to freedom yet at the same time became a closing door as I entered the world of controversy.

Many medical professionals view Chronic Persistent Lyme as a non-existent disease. There are very few physicians who will risk their medical license, to free those who suffer from the varying degrees of Lyme, in the hope to help their patients feel alive again.

Despite the controversy of unbelief and denial that exists within our medical community and culture, I have chosen to work towards healing from the bacteria of this disease, which has taken up residence within my body. I have chosen to come out from under the covers of pride, realizing that I did not do anything to cause this to happen, but rather accepting what has occurred. In addition, I am grateful for the fight within, that has always kept me going while  choosing to live a healthy lifestyle.

The purpose in sharing this personal information on my Reflective Tapestry of Life blog is that I am allowing myself to be authentic with transparency. In doing so, I have given myself the freedom to accept that life is not always going to be the life we strive for and desire. Sometimes life simply hands us something we least expect, allowing us to step back to accept what is, while taking the steps necessary to make the most of it.

I am on the determined road to recovery with hope, and a heart, filled with thanksgiving. Although I might not be able to rid myself completely from all the bacteria, I do have confidence in my ability to feel alive again, with the guidance of my physician, support of my husband and children, and a faith of hope. In time, I am hopeful that in the near future, Lyme disease (regardless of the stage) will not be looked upon as a “made-up” disease, but rather a cornerstone in understanding this invisible disease while allowing physicians to treat it effectively.

Regardless of your trial in life, may you find a glimmer of hope in each new day.



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